“It’s gone!” I shout, staring into my bathroom, covered in a cheerful wallpaper trying to imitate spring but failing spectacularly on delivering that promise. I hold onto its glass door as if it’s a lifeline.
I gulp but my throat clicks dry.
“This cannot be happening!” I shout again and push my long blond hair out of my face. My nails dig into the putty of the glass frame, my knuckles turn white, matching the porcelain bathtub that stands proudly on intricate iron legs in the center of my small bathroom. Its wide ledge shines starkly in its emptiness.
Hesitating for a second, I take a step inside, my feet in fluffy yellow slippers slide on the shiny and rectangular white tiles. I stop an inch from my bathtub and cover my mouth with a trembling hand.
Oh how I wish I would be wrong, but I am not. “It is truly gone!” My pink soap that had bits of dried lavender in it for calming nighttime effect, has disappeared from the ledge of my bathtub!
How could this be?! I live alone on the top floor of a large apartment building that has hundreds of units, located in New York city. No one has a key to my room!
My blue eyes widen. That’s not true! The doorman has a key, and the handyman too!
I dismiss the doorman as a suspect. He is from Turkey, where there are a lot of pink and flowery soaps. But the handyman is from Belgium!
I gasp again.
Everyone knows there is a severe lack of pink flowery soaps in Belgium! That’s because the French prime minister declared a shortage on dried lavenders that they export to Belgium, while the Germans decided to put an embargo on all soap materials. It was all in the news. But that’s not all.
Poland loves pink soaps, whether with or without flowers, they are not picky, and they have been hoarding the soaps to supply the great demand their citizens have.
The Netherlands grew jealous of course. They were used to certain luxury items, and must have realized that the pink flowery soap is one such thing. All because Angelina Jolie had an instagram post about how soft her skin is, thanks to these soaps! Kim Kardashian’s Instagram feed stayed surprisingly silent, but Jackie Chan congratulated Denzel Washington on his new pink flowery soap with extra lavender.
I remember, because I was watching Jimmy Kimmel Live Show with Jimmy Kimmel, who said Barbara Streisand and Michael Keaton are both huge fans of the pink flowery soap to the point that they were on the Drew Berrymore Show, gushing about their newfound treasure and how they will never take a shower, ever again! Even Chuck Norris and Octavia Spencer laughed knowingly, though Emma Stone looked visibly shaken for not having such a soap in her life.
Of course Kim Basinger and Nicole Kidman had to jump on the pink-flowery-soap-wagon too, declaring that they both looked ten years younger thanks to these soaps. To which Tom Cruise tweeted, he has been using pink flowery soaps since the nineties and duh. Even Chris Pratt admitted he had used pink flowery soaps from time to time in the past five years.
I even snickered as I did a stunning TikTok video of me holding my brand new pink flowery soap, while I perched regally on the edge of my white bathtub wearing only a red towel wrapped around my athletic body and smiling mysteriously. By the time the night was over, that video had 20 million views, knocking the dancing puppies to second place. Tina Turner came out of retirement to write a catchy song about my quick shot to fame, but really, it was an ode to the pink flowery soap and everyone knew it, especially Imagine Dragons.
I should have known it was a mistake! I should have known that Rober Downey Jr. was watching TikTok! We all know how Robert Downey Jr. gets when he wants a new soap all for himself!
I curse under my breath and shake my hands in fists to my stern-looking stucco ceiling. If Vin Diesel had not dared Kurt Russel to come back and make more action movies, this would have never happened!
The fact that today is the premier of a new Batman movie (the fifth remake, but who’s counting?!) definitely did not help my case! Christopher Nolan is an absolute genius when it comes to subtle product placements like pink flowery soap in the beautiful hands of Zendaya!
The realization hits, taking my breath away in a shock—I never had a chance against Steven Spielberg and his collection of pink flowery soaps!
My knees give out and I crumble to the white tiles. Silent tears roll off my cheeks but I am too weak to wipe them off.
How am I going to live without my pink flowery soap?